So you're really gone this time.

I alighted from the bus a stop early the other day,
just to take the route home,
the exact same road that we used to take,
listening to my mp3.

Somehow, the songs just fit right in,
it's almost as if I'm starring in a teen idol drama.
The only difference is,
the protagonists always end up happy,
and in love.

Love is something that always eludes me.
Or maybe it's just a concept that I fail to grasp.

You know it's just like mathematics.
You either know it,
or you don't.

I never did,
I still don't,
and I don't think I ever will.

Selfishly,
I wanted to keep you for myself,
or keep me in that special place in u,
for as long as it lasts,
and I wanted to do so in a way such that I will always have the upper hand,
such that I will never be hurt at all.

I was wrong.

It pricks.

I was suprised that it does,
but it does.

She is ur choice now.
And it's only beginning to sink in.

Thoughts,
images,
they're all floating around in this jumbled heap that is my mind....

when u pried open the MRT door just so the lady cld recover her giordano bag that was stuck between.
The lion and the husky,
the minnie mouse toy,
the toy dog tt u tried so hard to get for me,
Holloween night.
The musical box that I cld never bear to open a second time.
Your diary,
and that page that is filled with everything about me.
That night u got so horridly drunk u called me so many times,
and I just refused to answer.
The times when u took extra care of me when we were cycling in ubin.

The time when u asked me to trust u,
while we were on the roller coaster,
when u asked if u've ever lied to me.

That moment,
that moment when I wished time wld stop.
That moment,
that moment when I wished I had the courage to have believed in u.

Overwhelming.

Lately,
I wished I cld cry.
Sob out the memories that just keep coming,
wave after wave that just keeps getting stronger.

I've never remembered u as clearly as I do now.

Maybe it's the fact that I've really lost you.
Maybe all these while, I've just been unconsciously maintainin the dam against the flood that was u.
Maybe I just don't want to admit it.
Maybe I just want to run away from it all.
Maybe I'm just a coward.

So you chose her.
And I can see why.
I even understand why.
Lookin and listening to you now,
it's ever clearer that we wld have been a mistake.

I wld have fallen for u eventually,
only to have you leave me.

Because I wldn't have fallen for an illusion this time.
But u wld have.

It was a right choice.

It's just that sometimes,
the right choice hurts,
so much so that one wld be assuaged with doubts abt making the other.

I'm going to let you go.

I will find the courage to re-open the musical box,
read the diary,
and come tomorrow,
I'd wear a genuine smile to face the world.

The tears are finally falling,
after stubbornly refusing to for two days.

I promised myself I'd never cry for anybody else.
Crying my heart out, on many occasions, for many years,
for that one same person is stupidity enuf to last a lifetime.

But I do want to cry this time,
not for you,
not for me,
but for the "what if"s,
"could have"s,
"should have"s

and for the fact that above all,
I truly am happy that you've found what you've always been looking for.

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are cos baby sometimes love just ain't enough