A few friends and I hung out at my beloved Wala Wala
on a random Saturday night.
There was a new girl in the band that always play on Saturday nights.
She plays the violin and the keyboard.
Last Saturday evening, she even sang.
It sparked off a bout of heated discussions.
As the band played,
Boss leaned over and said to me,
"If I was Shirlene (the lead singer), I wldn't rope another girl into my band. U?"
I could fully understand where she was coming from.
Everyone in the band were guys,
save for the lead.
It makes her stand out, it lets her shine,
the solitary rose among the thorns.
With this incumbent newcomer,
the spotlight has to be shared.
Although Shirlene is still very much the better performer
with a stronger stage personality.
"Hmm....it depends. If I'm very sure tt I'm better than her, y not? Takes some of the load off me on top of making me look better. In this case, she is not as good as Shirlene wat."
After a pause,
Mr Gentleman made a comment
"I find the keyboardist more attractive. I don't know how to say it, I guess it's the serious look she has when she plays her instruments."
Stunned faces looked at him in unison.
I looked back at the keyboardist and observed her intensely for awhile.
Slowly I began to see where he was coming from.
As a guy, I would probably be drawn to her as well.
She isn't as vocal,
nor as interesting.
But there's something quietly unassuming about her,
a glimpse of inner resilience maybe?
A suggestion of a deeper depth that lends mystery?
That something that makes a guy wanna know her better,
and protect her from losing that inner purity.
So he was explaining to us ignorant,
challenging girls
what he sees in her,
and in the course,
shed some light on what guys see in girls in general.
Contrary to our beliefs,
it isn't the exciting, funny, glamour girls,
nor the prettiest babes that command the most male attention.
It's the quiet girls standing alone,
pitifully at a neglected corner that appeals to their caveman core,
that awakens the superman in them,
that propels to come forward and rescue them.
The damsel in distress story really works.
He explained,
"I don't think any guys would want their partners to be stronger than them lah. Imagine the wife one day come home tell me she promoted to director. One month later come back tell me she regional head. Another year later CEO. Wah!! Cannot lah!!!"
It all boils down to a matter of face, be it guy or girl.
I suppose a guy's pride will be hurt if he takes his partner out
and as he introduced her, " My girlfriend/ wife, CEO of XXXX"
while himself is merely an average executive.
Naturally a girl would also look for a guy who is superior to her
because she wouldn't want to introduce a guy who isn't as accomplished as her to her friends,
who would think that she is compromising herself otherwise.
All would be nice and well if information is symmetrical
and both parties could assess each other accurately.
The issue arises when information is imperfect.
What happens then,
if the girl approves of the guy
puts his name in the list of potentials,
only to have him strike off her name in his,
under the misconception that she is too independant for him?
Trust me,
I used to think that being labelled as "challenging"
is a compliment.
I never hated that word so much until then.
I used to be flattered when guys toss me the gauntlet
and expressed their desire not to want to be with me,
but to compete with me.
I mean, if they chose to challenge me,
a mere girl, rather than their male counterpart
it's either they deserve my sympathy
for their lack of courage to pick on somebody their own size,
or
I'm just as good
if not better than the average guys such that I'm more satisfying to beat.
Either way,
it only does my ego good.
But after that night,
I reflected if I indeed pushed myself too hard,
made myself too independant
such that I always find myself in the category of "competitor" rather than "potential".
I reached a decision.
I went to work on Monday,
and announced to my colleagues at work of my determination to be the NEW me.
My brudders laughed at me.
The girls at work disbelieved me.
But I persevered!!
On Wednesday evening,
when I met up with my school mates
and told them the same thing,
they were exceptionally encouraging.
They spent the next 4hours of our steamboat dinner dishing out advice
and correcting my behaviour and speech -_-!!
Even when we crossed the road
"Cannot like that cross!! Must scream "Ahhhhh!!!" then scatter across"
So I tried very hard to learn,
to practice,
to correct.
If a little change could help me achieve my goals eventually,
I don't see why not.
I could give in a little,
because ultimately this seeming surrender is really a strategy for long term victory.
I figured I could live with that.
The process of change is hard, I know.
But I didn't think it'd be
THAT hard.
Afterall, I used to be a dependant little girl back in my Secondary school days.
I didn't expect the process of reversal,
the process of undoing all the hard work that I've put in to become the person that I am now
to be that hard.
My brudders at work have started to express the urge to bash me up
while my girls at work are gleefully taking every chance they can
to poke fun at my new resolution.
I really can't blame them since I see them every day,
they're the ones who are taking the most of my shit.
That said,
all things changed after my run this evening.
In a way, I had my second awakening.
As usual I was doing my rounds at the neighbourhood park.
An Indian man caught up with me from behind.
Half expecting him to overtake me and speed away from me,
I maintained my pace.
With the racing with my shadow incident still fresh in my mind,
I wasn't really in the mood to race with anybody.
But he didn't speed away from me.
Instead, after awhile, his pace slowed down.
I don't know if any runners ever felt that way,
but I don't like it if a stranger is running side by side with me.
I feel obstructed.
So I quickened my pace just a little.
He turned his head and glanced at me.
Then he quickened his pace.
As familiar with being challenged as I am,
I recognised it as a sign of what it really is instantly.
FINE.
Bring it on.
I picked up speed,
just as I progressed passed his adjacent right,
he picked up speed too.
I'm proud to say that I grew smart after racing my shadow.
Instead of running myself to the ground,
I kept pace so that I fell nicely slightly behind him,
not too far off such that I would have a difficult time to catch up,
but not near enough to alert him to speed up.
Patiently, I bidded my time for an opportunity to cut him.
But that guy is one determined bastard as well.
As soon as he slows down,
I'd inevitably catch up by virtue of my keeping pace.
And whenever he sees me beside him,
he takes bigger and faster strides.
We maintained that distance and relationship until we passed the 4.5km mark
and he slowed to a halt.
I was a bit taken by surprise.
I hadn't expected him to end his run
his pace did not betray his fatigue I must say.
Even before I recovered from my mild surprise,
he surprised me again.
He turned to look me squarely in the eye
and held up his right hand,
thumb up
and nodded his head.
I almost tripped over my own legs
and fall flat on my face.
It was recognition,
Pure and unadulterated.
I couldn't control the smile that spread across my face,
nor that brimming feeling of exhilaration.
That oh so familiar feeling.
That rewarding feeling that came from doing something right,
from putting in a whole damn lot of unspoken effort
that u think no one knows and understands,
and then suddenly,
be greeted by someone who truly sees it and respects u for it.
And the amazing thing is,
that whole burst of bubbly feeling is brought to you
by a complete stranger.
Do you know how wonderful that feeling is?
That a stranger,
someone you don't know,
someone you've never seen before in your entire life,
someone who has a life distinctly unconnected from yours,
crosses yours just for that split second?
Just in case anyone is wondering,
no, he ain't dashing.
Far from it.
In his competition, I found companionship.
It distracted me from the physical exhaustion
and provided me with a motivation to go on.
It struck me then
that I thrive on that.
I improve from competition.
That thrill, that satisfaction,
it's incomparable.
It's something that I will never get to experience had I turned into that weak,
vulnerable stereotypical girl.
And that,
is something I couldn't give up.
That irreplaceable sense of personal gratification.
Marketing taught me the importance of catering to customers' needs.
Happily, I embraced that when I decided to soften myself.
Then again, there is such a thing as niche marketing.
It's simply too tiring to change myself for another person.
Even if I did change, in the belief of a....
for lack of a better phrase, let's just put it in a corny way,
better prospect of a brighter future.
No one is really worth that big a sacrifice.
So what if I am not that girl who appeals to the masses?
I'll just continue looking for that special one with the rare foresight
to appreciate the challenging, kuai lan me enough
to be my guardian angel.
