At Auntie-Jas's cozy bday gathering in July
the girls told Ms Choong abt the ill-fated mustard shoes.
Ms Choong replied with her hearty laugh and a classic

"It's whiney, wat CAN'T happen?"

Fast forward to August,
Ms Lee's bday dinner.

I remembered the fuss I went through to pick out an outfit the night before.
I remembered how pleased I was as I stared into the mirror in the morning.
I remembered my good mood and anticipation at seeing the girls.

Decked out in a white tube top,
light brown cropped jacket,
and a pair of matching brown bottoms,
I felt good.
I felt so good I felt almost like I walked on air.

And I so did enjoy sneaking into the toilet at work to check my reflection.
In fact I checked my reflection in every shiny surface that came my way.

Yes,
I was vain, as usual.
And I was early for dinner, as usual.

So I headed to the library to drop off my books.
I took the lift near zara, in takashimaya to head to the library on the 5th floor.

I loved that lift.
It has a full length mirror when the doors close.
I scrutinised my reflection.

Hair- not that bad.
Top- *suck in some tummy* presentable
Bottom- It looked a little....out of shape...a little pointy, at a very sensitive area....
I tried to smooth out the edges...

It felt...weird.
Somehow it looked like it had too much cloth,
but yet, it felt like my finger felt different materials...

I adjusted myself so that I cld haf a clearer view.
(It wasn't a very pretty position, but I was alone in the lift and I shall spare u the details)

The view was clear alright.
Crystal clear.

And as if the gaping hole wasn't enuf to shock the hell out of me,
it looked as if it was an open mouth,
laughin at me!!!

(*^&^%(*&

So yeah,
I deserved to be laughed at (*&^^%&*^$),
for having a scb,
I guess.

I ended up purchasing a $40 denim skirt at the nearest shop,
which made me feel as if I've been dealt a double blow.

I mean $40 bucks for a denim skirt????!!!!!
Who needs to rob the bank man?

But then,
I bought it still.
I figured embarrassment at havin been discovered
shd cost me more than that.

I mean,
SOME THINGS ARE PRICELESS,
but for everything else,
there's always mastercard :)

That was a pair of bottoms tt I used to like.

For one,
it fits.
It makes me look good.

But u noe how it is when something makes u look good,
especially if such fortune seldom befall u,
u tend to be more cautious.

I am such a person.

Mum bought the pair of bottoms a few yrs ago,
and I discovered how it manages to make me look good as early as the first wear,
and liking it so,
I cldn't bear to put it on
save for special occasions.

Cos somehow,
I had this mentality that the less I take it out,
the longer I cld keep it,
the better I cld prevent it from wear and tear.

And just like that,
it remained in my wardrobe for a very long time,
neglected,
forgotten.
Until mum took it out recently.

And the magical pair of bottoms worked its magic again.

It made me realise how great it is.
It made me realise how much I miss havin it on me.

So I put it on that day.

And no matter how hard I tried to prevent it from happening,
regardless of the extent I went to,
it tore.

I think sometimes,
life works in funny ways such that
the harder u try at something,
the harder u'll fall.

So it's meant for the bin now.

It's a sad sad situation,
but then again,
looking on the bright side,
it really isn't all that bad cos,
it used to make me look good.

but in the future,
without a doubt,
I can even see it now,
it will find an owner who will make it look good as well.

So good that it makes one wonder what the hell was the pair of bottoms thinkin,
allowing me to purchase it in the first place.
So good that it just makes one understand what the whole ding-donging ard was about.

It was a sucky experience,
testifying to my kumgong-ness,
as well as burning a hole in my pocket.

But I'm happy for the pair of bottoms.

Izzie:

I feel like...
I'm moving in slow motion.
Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast
and I just wanna go back...
to when things were normal...
when I wasn’t poor Izzie laying on the bathroom floor in her prom dress with her...
her dead fiancé.

But I am,
so I can’t.

And I’m..
just stuck.

And there’s all this pressure cause everyone’s hovering around me waiting for me to do something
or say some thing
or flip out
or yell
or cry some more and I’m happy to play my part.
I’m happy to say the lines and do what ever it is that I’m supposed to be doing if it will make everyone feel more comfortable...

but I don’t know how to do this.
I don’t know how to be this person.
I don’t know who this person is.

And I thought that
after Ally McBeal,
they don't write scripts like that anymore.

"Time waits for no man.
Time heals all wounds.
All any of us can want,
is more time.

Time to stand up.
Time to grow up.
Time to let go"

-Grey's anatomy

Well,
while I've been missing from the blogasphere these days,
I've been busy discovering revelations about myself.

Take for instance,
this miraculous fact tt I've just learnt awhile ago while I was suddenly struck by a
difficulty-to-breathe moment.

I was heading for my bath when I was struck by the feeling tt there just wasn't enuf air entering my windpipes.
There seemed to be stuff stubbornly obstructing the sacred passage that is my nostrils.

Curious,
I stuck my pointer finger in and guess wat I found?

Lots of stuff.
Icky stuff.

I seemed to have discovered the cause for my heavy,
loud breathing.

The same heavy,
loud breathing that was the source of complaint by a certain Mr Da-tou,
the same heavy,
loud breathing that scared the living daylights out of a certain Ms Phua when she thought I was suffering from an asthma attack.

P.S just so u know my dear,
I do not have asthma,
and I'm anaemic, not leukemic :P
There is a difference.

Onto the second thing that I've discovered for myself.
I totally lack sex appeal.

After having been stranded in bed with 3 pubertic guys for a night,
who are supposed to be plagued with raging hormones after a few drinks,
and having nothing happen but complaints of my loud breathing in their ears
disturbing their sleep,
I cannot help but reach the conclusion that either they are gay,
or I'm totally unattractive.

And I'm quite sure they r straight.
Althoh one of them does love NUM to a fault.....

Of cos,
as a thinking undergrad who did a sociology module,
I can't possibly believe that I'm unattractive just because of that.
I mean,
it cld as possibly mean that they're BU XING or dead drunk.

But then again,
the notion was reinforced by a certain Mr Shen when he regards me as a "tok-kok-sing-song-brudder" and
to be asked one fine day on our morning walk-to-the-canteen-for-refreshments-aka slack-routine
"ni que ding ni yi hou jia de chu qu ma?" (r u sure u won't b left on the shelf in future?).

Just so I wasn't being paranoid or lacking in self-esteem,
A certain Mr Bak kwa further confirmed my belief last sunday at the S11 near my place,
when he shrieked a terrified "NO WAY!!" when I nobly offerred myself at the sacrificial altar while we were commiserating abt his latest failed exploit.
Deer cld be my eye-witness.
SOMPA!!

On a brighter note,
Ms Lee,
bless her intelligence for sensing my boyishness,
contributed 20bucks for my first dress.

Right,
so where was I?
Oh right,
unattractive.

This ultimately led to my third revelation.

That I am not one to cry over spilt milk apparently,
cos I took action!

I hopped over to sentosa early Monday mornin early enuf to catch mac breakfast anyway!
to catch a tan with Ms Lim cos,
yeah,
personally I think tanned girls are incredibly sexy,
especially if they have gorgeous bikini tanlines like those that I'm spotting now!

Althoh the seoul garden buffet that follows goes a long way to soothing my injured ego,
the damage was worst than I thought.
Or maybe it's the thought of facing the boys who shared my bed that fateful night in the
twilight of evening,
over chilli crabs,
I fell seriously ill.

The doc insists it's gastric flu.
Secretly thoh,
I called her a liar many times while I laid on the bed,
wondering if I was gonna meet my maker in my new-ugly-kumgong-hairdo,
and worrying that it really was gonna happen!

P.S. beeteng, I seriously got wat u meant by the urge to sob miserably when u'r
seriously ill and noone's home with u.

All in all,
I do believe that I shd be pardoned for my long absence and previous half-hearted entry abt the national day bet.

Afterall,
a girl can only take so many blows without breaking down.

Have a heart!!

**Above entry was all in the name of fun. All misters and misses mentioned are extremely fine, straight pple. And so is the blogger herself. Do not be overly concerned abt the cracks she made at herself. She perfectly enjoys mocking herself. In a sadistic, perverse manner. Maybe one day, when she's feeling inspired enuf, she may go into details abt the biggest bet she had ever made in her 18 yrs-37 months-and counting-of life, or, she may even tell u abt the sequel to the shoe episode. This time thoh, it's involving another apparel......

So you're really gone this time.

I alighted from the bus a stop early the other day,
just to take the route home,
the exact same road that we used to take,
listening to my mp3.

Somehow, the songs just fit right in,
it's almost as if I'm starring in a teen idol drama.
The only difference is,
the protagonists always end up happy,
and in love.

Love is something that always eludes me.
Or maybe it's just a concept that I fail to grasp.

You know it's just like mathematics.
You either know it,
or you don't.

I never did,
I still don't,
and I don't think I ever will.

Selfishly,
I wanted to keep you for myself,
or keep me in that special place in u,
for as long as it lasts,
and I wanted to do so in a way such that I will always have the upper hand,
such that I will never be hurt at all.

I was wrong.

It pricks.

I was suprised that it does,
but it does.

She is ur choice now.
And it's only beginning to sink in.

Thoughts,
images,
they're all floating around in this jumbled heap that is my mind....

when u pried open the MRT door just so the lady cld recover her giordano bag that was stuck between.
The lion and the husky,
the minnie mouse toy,
the toy dog tt u tried so hard to get for me,
Holloween night.
The musical box that I cld never bear to open a second time.
Your diary,
and that page that is filled with everything about me.
That night u got so horridly drunk u called me so many times,
and I just refused to answer.
The times when u took extra care of me when we were cycling in ubin.

The time when u asked me to trust u,
while we were on the roller coaster,
when u asked if u've ever lied to me.

That moment,
that moment when I wished time wld stop.
That moment,
that moment when I wished I had the courage to have believed in u.

Overwhelming.

Lately,
I wished I cld cry.
Sob out the memories that just keep coming,
wave after wave that just keeps getting stronger.

I've never remembered u as clearly as I do now.

Maybe it's the fact that I've really lost you.
Maybe all these while, I've just been unconsciously maintainin the dam against the flood that was u.
Maybe I just don't want to admit it.
Maybe I just want to run away from it all.
Maybe I'm just a coward.

So you chose her.
And I can see why.
I even understand why.
Lookin and listening to you now,
it's ever clearer that we wld have been a mistake.

I wld have fallen for u eventually,
only to have you leave me.

Because I wldn't have fallen for an illusion this time.
But u wld have.

It was a right choice.

It's just that sometimes,
the right choice hurts,
so much so that one wld be assuaged with doubts abt making the other.

I'm going to let you go.

I will find the courage to re-open the musical box,
read the diary,
and come tomorrow,
I'd wear a genuine smile to face the world.

The tears are finally falling,
after stubbornly refusing to for two days.

I promised myself I'd never cry for anybody else.
Crying my heart out, on many occasions, for many years,
for that one same person is stupidity enuf to last a lifetime.

But I do want to cry this time,
not for you,
not for me,
but for the "what if"s,
"could have"s,
"should have"s

and for the fact that above all,
I truly am happy that you've found what you've always been looking for.

There's a reason why people don't stay where they are cos baby sometimes love just ain't enough

An impulsive bet on National Day.

09/08/2007 - 09/08/2012

It sure doesn't seem like a difficult bet to keep.