By chance, I found Judith McNaught's latest book in the library a weeks back.
In less than 3 days,
I finished the book.
Unlike the way it usually was,
I did not shed a single tear.
I felt a gaping hole somewhere,
unsatisfied.
It was something like that of a hungry man whopping down a meal that was neither tasty enough nor was it fulfilling enough.
Disappointing.
I remembered commenting to galpal that JM seemed to be losing her touch,
and that she longer has the ability to give me that heart-warming
tear-gushing feeling anymore.
I remembered galpal's reply.
She looked me in the eye,
"Maybe u're no longer the same person who used to feel the heart-wrenching feeling anymore"
I just completed a japanese drama on crunchyroll.
It was a story on waiting.
There are some people who believe in waiting,
either for a promise,
an ideal that they cannot bear to let go,
not because they really believe it,
but because doing so would make it bigger than it really is,
not because they really believe it,
but because it has alrdy become the sole meaning of their lives.
Without it,
they won't know how to go on living.
And then there are some people who wait
without waiting,
who wait,
even when they don't say it,
not because they are embarrassed to say it,
not because there's nothing they can do about it,
not because they believe in the illusion of reaping the rewards,
but because they know,
what they're waiting for is irreplaceable,
what they're waiting for is alrdy IT
nothing else would even come close.
5 yrs ago,
if anyone asked me,
I'd tell them that I'm waiting for the courage to embrace a chance.
A year later
if anyone asked me,
I'd tell them that I was waiting for someone
to give me that chance again.
Ask me again 2 yrs ago,
I'd tell u I was waiting to recover,
to heal.
Ask me again last friday,
I'd tell u in a trembling voice that all this while
I've been waiting for that unnamed,
incomprehensible feeling to go away.
Ask me now,
I'd tell u that I'm just waiting for the return of the ability for hot tears to gather in my eyes,
for that heart-wrenching feeling that is so tormenting,
and yet,
so burning that u can't mistake being alive.
Ask me tomorrow,
in the light of day,
and I'd probably tell u the truth,
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Or maybe,
I'm waiting for the reason that I'm waiting,
to present itself.
4 Comments:
Same sentiments. Great writings. I am waiting for the reason that I'm waiting to present itself.
I am impressed gal... =)
I'm so surprised tt Jack reads my blog....So scary...the thot tt u never know who reads ur blog!!
But since u've got nothing but compliments for me, I welcome ur readership with open arms!!!!
n Jo, I'm flattered ur impressed!!
u always strike me as someone damn damn damn damn DAMN hard to impress. N I always thot tt to u, I'll foreva be a kid, nothing I say or do would surprise u, or nothin u'll take seriously.
I'm glad :)
You actually remembered me? Gawd. I like reading your entries. I am truly impressed by your writings and that is why I am still ard to read your blog. :)
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