He said,
" You know, I'm not just here to have fun with. I could share your troubles with you too. "

He didn't see me tear as I bury my head against his chest in silence.

How can I tell him that the thing that's making me the most miserable is that
being with him is making me feel so alone in a way I've never felt before.
That I'm having the door that's always opened for me
slammed in my face so suddenly
and no matter how hard I knock or push,
it doesn't feel like I could go back in again.

I've never had the desire to really let someone be a part of my life before.
But I've always thought that it should be quite a wonderful experience,
provided that someone doesn't turn out to be an asshole and hurt not just you,
but everyone else you love.

You see, you can't just expect to bring someone into your life,
and into the lives of people you love,
let them accept his presence,
and expect them to remain unaffected when he eventually leaves.
At that point,
I finally understood why some people would rather not officiate their relationship.

The consequences that come with the acknowledgement is just so painful to deal with.

I would have thought that the people who love me
would have wanted to know every significant thing that's happened to me.
And on my end,
I would have thought that it would have been a very happy experience to share that.

My mum stays up until I get home to grill me about my dates.
We giggle together like little girls whenever I share interesting details with her.
My brother teases me constantly about when he could start extorting the boyfriend for money.
In which, I always tell him, "Soon, soon".
My colleagues would excitedly dish me advice and suggestions over our 2hr lunches
and we'd laugh till we cry over their ridiculous stories and creative ideas.
His friends ask him about me even though I've never known about their existence.
His brother whom I've never uttered a word to,
surprised and moved me
when he remembers me enough to buy me souvenir from his Malacca trip.

It makes me envious hearing how he has such an easy time integrating me into his life.

Ultimately, it just feels good to know that the people you hold so dear all your life
are happy for you,
that they are accepting and supporting you in your exploration
of this adventure you've never had the courage to embark on before.

Sometimes it's just a badly needed re-assurance,
especially when I've never believed in men and relationships.

And I wonder,
why is it that I can't share all that with you
when we've always shared everything else in our lives?