Last Monday, a good friend and I attended the most yummilicious wedding dinner yet.
Ironically, it is also one whereby I felt the most melancholic.

As the bride walked down the aisles,
her eyes darted uncertainly left and right.
It was as if she was silently seeking assurance from everyone that she has made the right decision.

She is only 21.

And if what I've heard is true,
it was a commercial marriage.

The lightings were good.
The music was young, as young as the couple.
And everything, from the food, the settings, the speeches,
they were all pretty much flawless and planned out.
You could tell how much effort went into the preparation.

Yet the more prepared it was,
the sadder I felt.

I couldn't help feeling
that all that preparation was just a facade to make up for what was truly lacking.

Superficiality was a veil that blanketed the whole atmosphere.
From the smiles,
and the almost malicious intent in the conversations at the table,
it was almost unbearable.

When I toasted the groom the vile glass of drink,
I was genuinely toasting him.
For it takes a lot of courage to believe that their marriage would work,
I feel that deserves my utmost admiration.

I didn't speak to the bride even though I was a guest of hers.
I just couldn't.

Not because I felt I owed a sense of loyalty to her ex,
but because as a woman,
I just couldn't bring myself to lie to her that I'm happy for her.
Yet also as a woman,
I couldn't bring myself to tell her things
that I think no woman deserved to be told on her wedding day.

So I chose to keep my silence,
and put food into my mouth,
rather than let the words come out of it.

I spoke to her ex a few days after,
and I think both of us agreed that the groom must have loved her deeply.

For a relationship that caused so much hurt to someone,
for a marriage that is so deliberately planned out,
I hope that he loves her enough for the two of them.

As I was checking my email, I saw this reply from the boyfriend:

Dear silly girlfren,

Haha. Below shall be an analysis for ur horoscope: mine (comments) in blue!

CANCER - The Beauty - hmm.. more of a sweetie lah. ha.
> MOST AMAZING KISSER.. -no wonder i'm feeeling amatuer this few times..

Very high appeal - true, else i will not have chosen silly girl

. A Cancer's Love
> is one of a kind.. Very romantic.. Most caring person you

> will ever meet in your life -haha, ok.. true to some extent.. credit to the herbal tea

. Entirely creative Person,
> most are artists

and insane, -this one fully agreed, the author for this horoscope is xiang huh? very zhun leh.

respectfully speaking. They
> perfected sex and do it often. - ORH. Noted. HAHA.

Extremely random. An
> Ultimate Freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of
> the party. Most Cancers will take you under their wing and

> into their hearts where you will remain forever. - the horoscope author is cancerian oso huh? say until got dragon got tiger leh haha. k i choose to believe.

Cancers
> make love with a passion beyond compare.

Spontaneous. - ok this word looks familiar... ha.

Not
> a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to

> it. Someone you should hold on to! - yes. surely. =)

12 years of bad luck if
> you do not forward.

regards, boyfren

The boyfriend's turning out to be a pleasant surprise.
And of all the wrongs in my life,
I'm glad to see that I've at least got one thing right.

So last Friday marks the official day
that I made the momentous decision not to extend my contract.
That effectively makes me a part of the 2010 Q1 unemployment statistics.

Although a part of me feels a deep regret
that all the effort and time I've spent for the past 6 - 7 months went unrequited,
a larger part of me felt a deeper relief at throwing off these incessant chains.

I'm starting anew again.

The thought of having to go through the whole painful process of
thoroughly going through job searches one by one,
sending out resumes one by one,
researching companies for interviews and
attending these interviews,
suffering through the hopes to disappointment - all over again....

*Screams in frustration*

But when I look at what is in front of me had I stayed on,
all I saw was a pitch black bleakness.
I gave my word to my ex boss that I would give my best during my stay,
and I kept my word.
I spent a damn 6 months of my life slogging away
and I think I've already kept more than my fair share of the bargain.

It was an exciting roller coaster ride.
And I dare say that despite the short time I've spent in the worst local bank,
I've seen and endured more than what my other fresh grad peers have.
I cannot remember how many times I've cried myself silently to sleep, over work,
and how many times I woke up in sweat in the middle of the night, over work,
not to mention the number of sleepless nights I've suffered, over work.
Contractors are not supposed to carry this much burden,
nor feel that responsible towards their work.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that I've 1 year working experience
given the things I've seen,
and the people (or monsters) I've met.

I remember about a month back,
my ex boss said to me that she finally saw the light amid all the drama that unfolded.

She told me that some things happen for a reason,
and usually we won't be able to see that until much later.
For her, she would have continued to slog her life away
without realising the magnitude of the things she has been unconsciously giving up.

For me, had the incident not happened,
I would probably be on the way to building a career right now.
There would be some OT, some burnt weekends, a fierce drive to succeed,
and work would probably be all that consumed me.

And then 10 years down the road, I would probably end up like my ex boss,
stabbed and framed and suddenly,
when faced with the light of day,
no longer remember or know what you're fighting for.

But the incident did happen, and things change.
The boyfriend told me that he knows how big an impact
the departure of my ex boss made to me,
but he's glad nonetheless.
Because otherwise, he wouldn't have had the chance he needed.

When I look back at my unpredictable life,
I see the volatility of many ups and downs
that's comparable to equities performance I dare say.
Unfortunately, my downs stood out more than the ups.
And naturally, I was alot more affected by the downs than the ups.
But when I look back at every pit that I've been in,
I see a strong recovery thereafter.
Take my disastrous A's for example,
I made up for it by outperforming in Uni.
But just like equities,
they are meant for strategic rather than tactical investments.
In the long run, they usually yield good returns.

So I think, I'll be just fine.
My life may be a little derailed at the moment,
but I'll make it back on course,
eventually.

He said,
" You know, I'm not just here to have fun with. I could share your troubles with you too. "

He didn't see me tear as I bury my head against his chest in silence.

How can I tell him that the thing that's making me the most miserable is that
being with him is making me feel so alone in a way I've never felt before.
That I'm having the door that's always opened for me
slammed in my face so suddenly
and no matter how hard I knock or push,
it doesn't feel like I could go back in again.

I've never had the desire to really let someone be a part of my life before.
But I've always thought that it should be quite a wonderful experience,
provided that someone doesn't turn out to be an asshole and hurt not just you,
but everyone else you love.

You see, you can't just expect to bring someone into your life,
and into the lives of people you love,
let them accept his presence,
and expect them to remain unaffected when he eventually leaves.
At that point,
I finally understood why some people would rather not officiate their relationship.

The consequences that come with the acknowledgement is just so painful to deal with.

I would have thought that the people who love me
would have wanted to know every significant thing that's happened to me.
And on my end,
I would have thought that it would have been a very happy experience to share that.

My mum stays up until I get home to grill me about my dates.
We giggle together like little girls whenever I share interesting details with her.
My brother teases me constantly about when he could start extorting the boyfriend for money.
In which, I always tell him, "Soon, soon".
My colleagues would excitedly dish me advice and suggestions over our 2hr lunches
and we'd laugh till we cry over their ridiculous stories and creative ideas.
His friends ask him about me even though I've never known about their existence.
His brother whom I've never uttered a word to,
surprised and moved me
when he remembers me enough to buy me souvenir from his Malacca trip.

It makes me envious hearing how he has such an easy time integrating me into his life.

Ultimately, it just feels good to know that the people you hold so dear all your life
are happy for you,
that they are accepting and supporting you in your exploration
of this adventure you've never had the courage to embark on before.

Sometimes it's just a badly needed re-assurance,
especially when I've never believed in men and relationships.

And I wonder,
why is it that I can't share all that with you
when we've always shared everything else in our lives?

SGD 144 yesterday, 8 more weeks of intense bruises coming up.

Level 2 here I cooooooommmmmmeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!