Without fail,
I break down every time I hear that familiar voice,
calming advising me patiently how to overcome the various emergencies.
Without fail,
I break down every time I see her name appear in my inbox
with an encouraging sms to keep me going.

In a way, it feels as though she's never left although she isn't physically here anymore.
That's why I stubbornly continued keeping her name in all my emails
although I know she'll never read them ever again.
Everyone knows, but they let me go on with this little habit of mine.
I guess they are just being kind, leaving me this little comfort in the midst of all these chaos.

I try not to call her more than once everyday.
But you see,
she's the water hose I need to fight the fire that's threatening to engulf me.

My friend always tells me that no one is indispensible.
I used to believe that strongly
(probably because I've never met someone capable enough to make me think otherwise),
but it gets harder to hold onto that belief with each day that passes lately.
I have always regarded adversity as a tool to enhance human capabilities.
After all, people only discover new strengths after they've been pushed past their limits.
Because there's no other choice but to cope.
And human beings, all living things in fact, have this thing called survival instinct.
You have to survive so you try and survive whatever's thrown at you.
You may have to endure alot of shit along the way,
and you may have suffered alot of scars along the journey,
but however you do it,
whatever happens,
you'll manage in the end.
This is a natural process which is why no one is indispensible.

The organisation won't collapse without you.
They'll probably at best suffer a bit here and there,
reputation wise, business wise....
But it'll all pass after some time.
Organisations are afterall immortal,
possessing the impossible advantage of having a limitless suppy of time on their side.

But humans are unfortunately not so.
And I am really tired, mentally and physically so.
I can't go on indefinitely fighting internal and external wars everyday
with the warring time starting earlier and earlier and ending later and later.
I need a longer ceasefire so I can sleep, eat and drink water.

It's just not humanely possible to continue like this for a prolonged period of time.
At least for me, I can't.

A week like this has already encouraged aggressive horizontal growth,
and my already bad complexion to deteriorate further.
To continue on like this will really give me
the unwanted free insurance that I'll be left on the shelf!

一整天强忍着的委屈，
总会在听到那熟悉的声音时化成温热的泪水 。

一整天努力建立起的坚强，
也总会在那一刻顿时破碎。

我从来就不是一个软弱，遇到困难就轻易放弃得人。
但这样子一整天都在打战的日子，
这样子每天都得至少哭一次来发泄的日子，
我真的不知道自己还能撑多久。

For the first time in my life, I thought my prayers were answered.
For the first time in my life, I was looking forward to a smooth sail.
Naively, I thought that it would be enough as long as I work hard.

Although I landed a job that pays me peanuts,
I had a to-die-for boss,
who gives me abundant opportunities to learn,
who puts me in contact with all the important people,
and who shows me the ropes with unparalleled patience.
I have wonderful colleagues who doesn't see teaching me as a chore,
who consoles me for my mistakes before working their asses off to try to fix it for me.

To me, these are the important things that drive me, that keeps me going.
These are the sources of strength that propels me to wake up at 6.15am in the morning,
to work till the figures don't make sense anymore before I reluctantly retire to bed.
These are the people I work my ass off for,
because I want to exceed their expectations.
So I threw everything I have into my work for them.

I believe in fair meritocracy.
I believe that people aren't blind.
I believe that as long as you work hard, you'll be rewarded duly.

Unfortunately, things don't work that way in the real world.
They say that ethics is of utmost importance in a banker.
Good bankers are supposed to be upright.
Good bankers are supposed to be accountable for their actions.
And I thought only good bankers rise to the top.
But apparently,
the real world really isn't that different from dramatic Hongkong serials.
Good doesn't always triumph over evil.
People at the top aren't necessarily fair, upright individuals.
And you realise,
those aren't exactly the qualities people gotta have in order to make it to the top.

Ruthlessness,
Rationalism, and
Reputation are the three Rs that really matter in business.

And from tomorrow onwards,
I'm going to have to grow up and start to really work hard
for none other than
myself.