A few friends and I hung out at my beloved Wala Wala
on a random Saturday night.

There was a new girl in the band that always play on Saturday nights.
She plays the violin and the keyboard.
Last Saturday evening, she even sang.
It sparked off a bout of heated discussions.

As the band played,
Boss leaned over and said to me,

"If I was Shirlene (the lead singer), I wldn't rope another girl into my band. U?"

I could fully understand where she was coming from.
Everyone in the band were guys,
save for the lead.
It makes her stand out, it lets her shine,
the solitary rose among the thorns.
With this incumbent newcomer,
the spotlight has to be shared.

Although Shirlene is still very much the better performer
with a stronger stage personality.

"Hmm....it depends. If I'm very sure tt I'm better than her, y not? Takes some of the load off me on top of making me look better. In this case, she is not as good as Shirlene wat."

After a pause,
Mr Gentleman made a comment

"I find the keyboardist more attractive. I don't know how to say it, I guess it's the serious look she has when she plays her instruments."

Stunned faces looked at him in unison.

I looked back at the keyboardist and observed her intensely for awhile.
Slowly I began to see where he was coming from.
As a guy, I would probably be drawn to her as well.

She isn't as vocal,
nor as interesting.
But there's something quietly unassuming about her,
a glimpse of inner resilience maybe?
A suggestion of a deeper depth that lends mystery?
That something that makes a guy wanna know her better,
and protect her from losing that inner purity.

So he was explaining to us ignorant, challenging girls
what he sees in her,
and in the course,
shed some light on what guys see in girls in general.

Contrary to our beliefs,
it isn't the exciting, funny, glamour girls,
nor the prettiest babes that command the most male attention.
It's the quiet girls standing alone,
pitifully at a neglected corner that appeals to their caveman core,
that awakens the superman in them,
that propels to come forward and rescue them.

The damsel in distress story really works.

He explained,
"I don't think any guys would want their partners to be stronger than them lah. Imagine the wife one day come home tell me she promoted to director. One month later come back tell me she regional head. Another year later CEO. Wah!! Cannot lah!!!"

It all boils down to a matter of face, be it guy or girl.
I suppose a guy's pride will be hurt if he takes his partner out
and as he introduced her, " My girlfriend/ wife, CEO of XXXX"
while himself is merely an average executive.
Naturally a girl would also look for a guy who is superior to her
because she wouldn't want to introduce a guy who isn't as accomplished as her to her friends,
who would think that she is compromising herself otherwise.

All would be nice and well if information is symmetrical
and both parties could assess each other accurately.

The issue arises when information is imperfect.
What happens then,
if the girl approves of the guy
puts his name in the list of potentials,
only to have him strike off her name in his,
under the misconception that she is too independant for him?

Trust me,
I used to think that being labelled as "challenging"
is a compliment.
I never hated that word so much until then.
I used to be flattered when guys toss me the gauntlet
and expressed their desire not to want to be with me,
but to compete with me.

I mean, if they chose to challenge me,
a mere girl, rather than their male counterpart
it's either they deserve my sympathy
for their lack of courage to pick on somebody their own size,
or
I'm just as good
if not better than the average guys such that I'm more satisfying to beat.
Either way,
it only does my ego good.

But after that night,
I reflected if I indeed pushed myself too hard,
made myself too independant
such that I always find myself in the category of "competitor" rather than "potential".

I reached a decision.
I went to work on Monday,
and announced to my colleagues at work of my determination to be the NEW me.

My brudders laughed at me.
The girls at work disbelieved me.
But I persevered!!

On Wednesday evening,
when I met up with my school mates
and told them the same thing,
they were exceptionally encouraging.
They spent the next 4hours of our steamboat dinner dishing out advice
and correcting my behaviour and speech -_-!!

Even when we crossed the road

"Cannot like that cross!! Must scream "Ahhhhh!!!" then scatter across"

So I tried very hard to learn,
to practice,
to correct.

If a little change could help me achieve my goals eventually,
I don't see why not.
I could give in a little,
because ultimately this seeming surrender is really a strategy for long term victory.
I figured I could live with that.

The process of change is hard, I know.
But I didn't think it'd be THAT hard.
Afterall, I used to be a dependant little girl back in my Secondary school days.
I didn't expect the process of reversal,
the process of undoing all the hard work that I've put in to become the person that I am now
to be that hard.

My brudders at work have started to express the urge to bash me up
while my girls at work are gleefully taking every chance they can
to poke fun at my new resolution.
I really can't blame them since I see them every day,
they're the ones who are taking the most of my shit.

That said,
all things changed after my run this evening.
In a way, I had my second awakening.

As usual I was doing my rounds at the neighbourhood park.
An Indian man caught up with me from behind.
Half expecting him to overtake me and speed away from me,
I maintained my pace.
With the racing with my shadow incident still fresh in my mind,
I wasn't really in the mood to race with anybody.
But he didn't speed away from me.
Instead, after awhile, his pace slowed down.
I don't know if any runners ever felt that way,
but I don't like it if a stranger is running side by side with me.
I feel obstructed.

So I quickened my pace just a little.
He turned his head and glanced at me.
Then he quickened his pace.

As familiar with being challenged as I am,
I recognised it as a sign of what it really is instantly.

FINE.
Bring it on.

I picked up speed,
just as I progressed passed his adjacent right,
he picked up speed too.

I'm proud to say that I grew smart after racing my shadow.
Instead of running myself to the ground,
I kept pace so that I fell nicely slightly behind him,
not too far off such that I would have a difficult time to catch up,
but not near enough to alert him to speed up.

Patiently, I bidded my time for an opportunity to cut him.
But that guy is one determined bastard as well.
As soon as he slows down,
I'd inevitably catch up by virtue of my keeping pace.
And whenever he sees me beside him,
he takes bigger and faster strides.

We maintained that distance and relationship until we passed the 4.5km mark
and he slowed to a halt.
I was a bit taken by surprise.
I hadn't expected him to end his run
his pace did not betray his fatigue I must say.

Even before I recovered from my mild surprise,
he surprised me again.

He turned to look me squarely in the eye
and held up his right hand,
thumb up
and nodded his head.

I almost tripped over my own legs
and fall flat on my face.

It was recognition,
Pure and unadulterated.
I couldn't control the smile that spread across my face,
nor that brimming feeling of exhilaration.

That oh so familiar feeling.
That rewarding feeling that came from doing something right,
from putting in a whole damn lot of unspoken effort
that u think no one knows and understands,
and then suddenly,
be greeted by someone who truly sees it and respects u for it.

And the amazing thing is,
that whole burst of bubbly feeling is brought to you
by a complete stranger.

Do you know how wonderful that feeling is?
That a stranger,
someone you don't know,
someone you've never seen before in your entire life,
someone who has a life distinctly unconnected from yours,
crosses yours just for that split second?

Just in case anyone is wondering,
no, he ain't dashing.
Far from it.

In his competition, I found companionship.
It distracted me from the physical exhaustion
and provided me with a motivation to go on.

It struck me then
that I thrive on that.
I improve from competition.
That thrill, that satisfaction,
it's incomparable.
It's something that I will never get to experience had I turned into that weak,
vulnerable stereotypical girl.

And that,
is something I couldn't give up.
That irreplaceable sense of personal gratification.

Marketing taught me the importance of catering to customers' needs.
Happily, I embraced that when I decided to soften myself.
Then again, there is such a thing as niche marketing.

It's simply too tiring to change myself for another person.
Even if I did change, in the belief of a....
for lack of a better phrase, let's just put it in a corny way,
better prospect of a brighter future.

No one is really worth that big a sacrifice.

So what if I am not that girl who appeals to the masses?

I'll just continue looking for that special one with the rare foresight
to appreciate the challenging, kuai lan me enough
to be my guardian angel.

Hello folks!

Mocks are over and I'm out to play!!!
Don't criticize me for it ok!
I deserve a break for that rigorous study plan I put myself thru
in order to complete what I had to for mocks.

So yup,
enjoy the updates while it last cos I'm diving back into books
really soon.


Burst my pockets,
and my seams at The Line.
I'm not exceptionally rich.
In fact this meal has alrdy pushed me off my budget for this month.
But like I've said b4,
and I'll say this again.

People never get younger.
They age,
and it's a one way road.

My mum is aging really quickly.
And somehow,
as days go by,
the aging process just seems to accelerate at increasing speed.

I hate to think of the day when she's no longer her bimbotic self,
when she's got no more energy to even go out for good food.

She seldom goes out shopping with me anymore.
In fact the only leisure activity she indulges in these days
is mahjong.
And that's because it's an activity where aunties can glue their buttocks to their chairs
for the whole damn day
and not move an inch.

She reads 8days when she's free at work
to tell me abt the synopsis of my favourite tv shows.
I know she meant well but,
she has this irritating tendency to MESS up ALL the characters,
and even the STORIES!!!

Given the immense stress I was under the past few weeks,
I wasn't exactly the model daughter every mother wished to have.
She sees me for less than a few hours a day.
And when she does,
I wasn't in the mood to talk.

So I'm just doing what I can to make up for my mistakes.
Like I said,
she isn't getting any younger.

I read this article in one of the papers some days ago,
and it says something like
To parents,
children are the leading characters in the story of their lives.
But sadly, to children,
parents are merely the supporting cast.


My mum is NOT a calefare in my life.
And I'm just doing all I can within my limited means
to make sure that she NEVER has to feel that way about herself.


Alright,
enough of the mushy stuff.
Now for some grumbling.

As soon as my brother realises that I'm paying for the meal,
he took leave from his part time banqueting,
and tagged along.
That freeloader.


Pictures are limited but they're pictures nonetheless.

See la!! Pay for her, ask her take a nice picture with me,
and she falls asleep right after eating!!!
Bimbo piggy leh!!!
Who's the calefare in whose life lor.....

After threatening her,
Told her no more meal treats from me if she falls asleep again,
told her if she don't take nice pics with me,
I'm gonna marry a Korean when I go there in May
and she's never going to see me ever again......

Then she wakes up for a proper pic


I'm kidding.
I merely sainai my way.

While I'm at it,
might as well share a little secret.
I'd pretend to be pissed when people say that my mum and I are like sisters.
Eh, hello!!
Who wouldn't be?
She's almost 60 and I'm not even 23 can!!!!
But I'm secretly very proud of her.
I'm delighted that she looks good,
and nowhere near 60.

Perhaps if she continues looking young,
I can just go on believing that things will always stay this perfect way.

k lah k lah,
I noe la.
I need to invest in good skincare products alrdy la!!!
People 25 yrs old go wala also kena check IC.
Me leh?
The counter just let me in without a second glance!!!
Offended de ok!!!

Ahhhh.......
Life is unbearably good after mocks.

*Pls upload pics in PB ZeeZee,
or send it via email to me so I can update my blog.

On friday the 13th yesterday,
I went to the neighbourhood park near my place for my usual evening run.

Halfway through,
I caught sight of a shadow behind me, to my diagonal right.

Damn, it's runnin at my speed....

Fearful of being overtaken,
I quickened my pace.

After about 2km or so,
I stole another glance at the shadow.

It's still there,
Keeping the same distance
and running at my increased speed!!!

Damn it!!

I picked up speed,
taking faster and bigger strides
all the while keeping track of its progress
out of the corner of my eyes,
discreetly.

That shadow just won't give up will it?
Fine.
If I can't beat it at speed,
I'll focus on maintaining the distance between us.
If I can't outrun it,
I shall outendure it.

The power of pride and stubborness is really being understated.
Out of sheer determination,
I clocked my mileage at a faster speed than I ever did before.

Even when I felt like I couldn't go on,
even with the daunting possibility of having my heart suddenly stopping,
of dropping dead,
I continued running.

It got to a point where I couldn't even focus on the songs from my mp3 anymore.
I was just concentrating on keeping my legs moving,
one after another.

Damn it! It's still running!!!

As much as I willed myself to go on,
my legs simply refused to obey the brain.
I began to slow down after awhile,
and resigned myself to being overtaken.

I stole another peek at the shadow.

Eh!!!She slowed down too.
Good.
Maybe she's tired, maybe she'll stop soon.

But she didn't.
She continued running,
at the same comfortable speed as me.
Her shadow still at the same distance from mine.
Or maybe I was already feeling faint
such that I couldn't judge distances properly anymore.

I slowed to a halt somewhere after the 7km mark
and unhappily started walking,
fully expecting the mystery owner
of the competitive shadow to emerge from my right
and jog past me.

........
............
................

No one appeared triumphantly from behind me.
I rolled my eyes to the right to sneak a peek at the shadow.

It was walking!!!!!

Unable to hold my curiosity anymore,
I turned to catch a look at the face of the person
who's as bitchily competitive as me.

!!!

There's no one.

At that moment,
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Asshole.
I almost killed myself racing with my shadow.

Because ah boy's life hasn't even been remotely interesting for a long time,
ah boy is too ashamed to update this space with nonsense.

Because ah boy has been too distracted by work and play for the past few months,
ah boy has to spend the remaining days playing catch up on studies.

Because ah boy has planned to study so hard for mocks,
ah boy motivated himself by making plan for sinful feasting on 16/03/09
at Shangri-La's THE LINE.

Because of the impending lil hiccup (16/03/09 feast)
to ah boy's determined constructed weight-loss plan,
ah b0y took part in the Newton active run today.

And finally, to reward ah boy for the three years of hard work
playing balance between work and studies in Uni,
ah boy is

GOING KOREA ON 25/05/09!!!!!!!!!!!

My friend, Ms Snoopy was telling me one fine day that she was stunned by
a question her friend put to her.
She was asked by her friend the type of guys she was looking for,
and the first thing she said was "上进心- " (the quest to constantly better the self)
b4 she could finish, she was cut off,
"Why is it that girls are always looking for guys with 上进心???"
and she asked me that.

That honestly wasn't one of the top qualities on my list until last Thursday.

On that unfortunate Thursday,
I was asked two academically challenged questions,
and was rudely awakened by importance of the above-mentioned quality.

Let me list out the offences in chronological order:

Offence 1:

An sms while I was at work
" What is capital stock?"
After I smsed the sms-er my answer,
his reply was,
" Oh. I suddenly feel like an idiot for asking that question."

Mildly amused that he FINALLY realised that,
I replied,
" It's ok. I've been educating idiots the whole day,
one more stupid question makes no difference."

The offence: Probable stupidity.

Offence 2:

That night I received a call from that same person,
"Can I ask u a question abt econs?"

"yah, wat?"

"It's abt the simple accelerator model."

"ok, wat abt it?"

"Wah u so smart ah, to ans me straightaway? No need take out notes u noe everything?"

-_-!!
"Still I haf to noe ur question b4 I noe wat notes to refer to right?"

"Yah, my question is everything abt the model. I've been lookin at it the whole day and I still dunno wat it is. So can u explain the whole model to me?"

The offences:
Outright stupidity
Sheer laziness
Complete lack of common sense

Ok, let's be fair, I took some time to digest the model initially and understand
what was required of me.
The issue that I was pissed with, that anyone would be pissed with
was the fact that no effort was even put in to attempt to understand the model
in order to properly form a constructive query about it.
I mean, come on.
There must be SOMETHING specific or more narrow in scope about the model
that u don't understand, u can't just throw me a question like that.
I mean, what do u expect me to do?

Give u a repeat telecast of our lecture??????

Plus, I would think that it's common sense to rummage my notes AFTER
being asked a question.
No point going to dig out my notes for a possibly stupid question
that I can answer offhand wat!!!!

Wat is his problem anyway?

Even if I'm not "so smart",
I'm quite certain that
I'm smarter than him.

Offence 3:

At this point in time,
I was already mildly annoyed and moderately impatient
to hang up to go back to my own revision.

The conversation continues....

"So how's ur studying of law coming along?"

"Lidat lor, wat else u expect?"

"I was just trying to show my concern. Anyway, u don't need so stressed.
U....no time to study.....busy working.
Don't stress urself to finish revising everything,
just focus on a few chapters like me.
Study them well then catch up for ur final exams ........ etc etc etc"

For no reason,
he started to "console" me.

As I listened, my level of impatience grew
together with something else,
something that's suspiciously like a mixed cocktail of disgust and annoyance.

Ruthlessly, I cut off his litany of negations

"That's no excuse wat. I admit I played too much, worked too much, and neglected my studies.
So I'm only rightfully paying the price now. Of cos I have a harder time revising now. If I give myself some slack now, it'll be worst come the finals. "

"Ok. Errr....u don't tire urself out ok? Must rest also. Good night."

The offences:
Too many presumptions.
Making too many excuses for inadequacies.

It really struck me then and there
that there really is no appeal in guys who are too easy on themselves.
Especially in a guy,
if there's no determination to even want to succeed,
I don't know if they will ever come anywhere close to even being decently satisfactory.

After I have failed myself in my performance for A'levels,
I was dealt a rude blow that woke me up.
At that point in time,
it struck me that a person should really spend some time and effort getting to know himself,
his shortcomings
and undertake active measures to if not correct them,
minimise them.
If you know that you're not doing well because you're not as smart as others,
then u bloody well work harder.

Intelligence is something you're born with.
If you belong to the unfortunate group of people the Heavens happened to miss out,
then you bloody well make sure u have a drive that's stronger than everyone else
to play catch up.
I strongly believe that if you want something bad enough,
you'll get it some day, some way or another.

The least you could do is gear yourself towards it.
And that's the least anyone should do.
Procrastination and complains will not help at all.

Of cos it would be great if someone is willing to offer assistance along the way,
the path to your desired destination would be undoubtedly smoother.
But that's an exception.
And most of the times,
we're all ordinary people,
leading ordinary lives.
Lives that are so normal they are not worth mentioning,
and hence you don't hear them often enough.
Just because you don't hear them often enough doesn't mean that
that then is the exception
and you start expecting help at every corner.

Life is unfortunately like that.

Life is nothing like the movies,
or drama
(You got it babies, I'm quoting "He's just not that into you" )
If you wanna even have a remote chance of getting close to success,
however you define that,
you bloody well
WORK.

The simplest definition of "work" is thus
NOT GIVING YOURSELF EXCUSES FOR YOUR FAILURES.

As you can probably tell from my long
agitated rant,
I was quite pissed off that night.

And thanks to that,
I finally understood the importance of that quality.

Ms Snoopy, I stand by you sista!!!

Interestingly, there's a psychological explanation for that.
Some psychologists attempt to explain this phenomenon of
women being attracted to men who are successful,
and men who are attracted to women who are beautiful,
by reason of evolution.

Studies show that human beings,
and all living things for that matter are subconsciously concerned
with the continuation of the existence of their kind.

Women expand more energy in the production process,
and hence their concerns are based in quality.
That is the possibility of their offsprings surviving to adulthood
and undertaking the cycle of reproduction.

Therefore,
in looking for a mate,
women are therefore unconsciously looking for males who are financially stable
in urban times of today,
and physically strong in olden primitive times
as these qualities contribute primarily to ensuring of survival.

Men on the other hand,
while also concerned about the continuation of their kind,
have their focus on quantity.
To them, the way to ensure the cycle goes on
is to produce as many offsprings as possible,
so that the chances of having at least one survival is higher.
Consequently,
that explains their lascivious intentions when seeking a mate.

Attractiveness to them, as research shows encompasses women built in a certain way,
with a certain body ratio as that is a sign of futility.
Where face is concerned, it was deemed as a sign of character.
People tend to regard ugly people as being evil
and good looking people as being kind.
Which I thought to be quite true.
Haven't your mums always tried to convince u to be good
because good people are usually blessed?
I take "blessed" as being granted with good looks, good life

As ridiculous as that belief may sound,
I think there's some truth in that.
The trend of women being more picky about looks nowadays
seems to correlate to the rising number of women being financially independent.

That said,
I still think the driver behind men and women being fussy about looks
is simply one of the age old seven sins,
lust.

Yes, ah boy's life is infinitely boring nowadays
to be going on and on about nothing interesting in particular.

*sigh*

I'm really in need of meditation and reflection.
Maybe after (I'm done being)mock(ed)s (at) on the 14/03/09,
I should really consider enrolling myself in some Buddhist Society
or something like that.

Or maybe,
I should just get myself another stunner haircut......